The internet is an amazing tool. With it, we have near instant access to a plethora of services. Our banking information is a few keystrokes from our eyes. Shopping at the click of a button. And of course, a near limitless pool of information with which we can further educate ourselves.
Or, we can use it to lie our way into a better job. What, you didn't think I would write an entry without a complaint, did you?
Now, I do, of course, have a story to go with this statement. I used to have a coworker, let's call him Henry. Why Henry? Because Indiana was the dog's name (haha)... Now, Henry had a poor habit of claiming that he performed certain duties at his previous job. I call this a problem, because Henry had not in fact done these things. We first noticed it on his first day in the office...
Henry had told my superiors that he had extensive, intimate knowledge of a program that we use daily for multiple processes... As Henry came into his first day of work, he was asked to perform the most basic of these functions. Surely with his infinite knowledge, he could complete such a paltry task! But lo, this is not what destiny had in mind for Henry. Henry instead stared at a blank screen for 5 minutes because he hadn't the faintest idea of what to do. And from there things only became more comical.
Never before had I met anyone who claimed to have an extensive knowledge of computers (indeed, having a degree in Computer Science) who was unable to perform so many basic functions! Henry did not know how to attach a file to an email in Microsoft Outlook... For those of you who may share in his troubles, there is a link at the top of the screen, labeled "Insert". Within it's cute and cuddly confines are the answers which you seek. Henry's knowledge of computers may have rivaled mine in second grade, but now, yes, I had the upper hand! The world would surely be mine!
Or... Henry told a fib. It was a fib he loved to tell, and one he loved to use for all possible inquiries as to his knowledge.
"Oh, I know all about that... I used to do it at (Company name withheld)"
And it extended far beyond the programs we used. When Henry began working on his resume to seek more gainful employment, I got the chance to proofread it (My poor high school English teacher would have had a seizure at this horrendous piece)...
Programs which take years to learn, certifications that cost tens of thousands of dollars.. He had done it all at his previous job. I'm surprised he hadn't listed "Achieved World Peace" or "Ended Starvation" in his job roles there. And when I questioned him on the rather extensive list he did have, I got the most obvious answer...
"It doesn't matter if I really did it, I can just read about it on the internet before my interview"
Whoa! Really? Why didn't I think of that??
I'll tell you why. Because it's a stupid plan. It's a terrible, no good, very bad idea. Allow me to paint a scenario for you...
Your resume states that you are certified a black belt in Six Sigma (look it up)... You go in for an interview, and they ask you when you got your certification... You tell them, say, June of 06.
They can check if you really have the certification. They aren't asking when you got it because they're curious. They don't need to know that. They're asking to see if you're going to lie. Six Sigma grants a rather large salary increase for nearly every professional career. They aren't going to give you that salary without ensuring you have the proper credentials.
Or, lets say they ask you about SQL, because your resume says you are fluent in it. Again, look it up. You may actually get this job, but let's assume at some point in your first month of employment they ask you to do something involving SQL... You're well versed, right? I mean, what can there really be to know that you won't find on the internet...
EVERYTHING. SQL is flipping HARD. Well, not hard, so much as time intensive to learn... Just like any other programming language.
Too many people get away with things like this though... They keep it small enough to be overlooked after they have the position, and in the end reap the benefits.
Step 1: Tailor resume to position, lie if you must.
Step 2: BS your way through interview with things you learn on the internet
Step 3: Profit.
There is unfortunately a step 4 that usually follows... "Do something stupid, and get fired anyway". Oh wait, that's not unfortunate. It's them fixing the problem that started when you were hired!
Moral of the story, kids... Use the internet to learn. Don't use it to pretend you learned. In the end, you're really only going to hurt yourself. And if you have a family at that point? You're hurting all of them, too. Don't be like that. So sayeth the Dna.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Step 1...
The internet can be a scary place, but once you realize that it's... well... the internet... suddenly that fear can turn into endless hours of amusement.
From what I can understand, the "tough guy" formula to the internet and success is as follows.
Step 1: Threaten people on the internet with real world violence.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit.
Now, if only I could figure out step 2, I'm certain I could make a fortune off this practice. Take last night for example, whilst I was partaking of some Halo 3 with a few friends.
One of my friends was explaining to the rest of us that a gentleman from the Netherlands or Botswana or something was sending her some rather unpleasant messages because she didn't drop everything in order to play with him and only him (Note to self: Rant on the self centered nature of the internet). Another of my associates then took it upon himself to message this young chap and enlighten him to the joys of being more laid back. The message that follows is what he said, verbatim.
"Have you seen my baseball?"
I kid you not. The response he got back was fairly vulgar, and for the sake of keeping the language here at a reasonable level, basically said he would go to my friend's house and knock in his teeth with a baseball bat. Step 1, check.
There was a short back and forth, but the jist of it is that my friends are far superior to the average internet tough guy, and this particular chap is in the same boat as the rest of us. Stuck at step 1.
I've used the word "chap" twice now. Three times. I promise, it's not intentional.
Regardless, that is just one example. I can think of numerous other times when I have been personally threatened with violence by children on the internet. Kids as old as 60 have threatened to come to my home and enact a slew of violent activites, and I still haven't been able to find out what the second step is. Mind you, in my younger, more naive days, I actually encouraged this behavior and set a time and place for them to meet me (Something along the lines of "Meet me in the playground at 3 PM, let's rumble!"), and even with that foolhardy move of mine, I have NEVER been able to get someone to step 2. Usually the aggressor was a no show, and on the few occassions that they did arrive, I was terribly disappointed by the calibur of individual.
Mind you, these are people who are genuinely upset. On the internet. Often times about a game. Some so angry that they will go to a predetermined location in the hopes of finding some frail child to prove their masculinity to. I once sent a gentleman to Wrigley Field under the premise that it was my home address.
So my question to the rest of the internet is.. Why? If no one can reach step 2, why make yourself look like a fool by entering step 1? "Oh, I'm gonna beat the tar out of you!"... Really? REALLY? How? Please enlighten me as to just what it is you intend to do. Fly cross country to beat up some kid who called you a nancy boy on Xbox Live? Good job there, Captain Commando. You just bought a plane ticket to visit someone who probably gave you false information. Step 3 has just become loss. Or perhaps you're going to try and get this child to live in fear and terror. So now step 3 is zero. Perhaps extortion? "Send me all your money or I'll beat the tar out of you, for serious!".. Well, that either leads to zero when they do nothing... Profit, I guess, if they submit, which is highly unlikely... Or loss, since it is technically a crime to threaten someone or extort money from them via the internet, and you just gave them a method to report you to the authorities.
I promise, if I ever find out what the proper Step 2 is... I'll tell everyone here how fabulously rich I've become.
From what I can understand, the "tough guy" formula to the internet and success is as follows.
Step 1: Threaten people on the internet with real world violence.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit.
Now, if only I could figure out step 2, I'm certain I could make a fortune off this practice. Take last night for example, whilst I was partaking of some Halo 3 with a few friends.
One of my friends was explaining to the rest of us that a gentleman from the Netherlands or Botswana or something was sending her some rather unpleasant messages because she didn't drop everything in order to play with him and only him (Note to self: Rant on the self centered nature of the internet). Another of my associates then took it upon himself to message this young chap and enlighten him to the joys of being more laid back. The message that follows is what he said, verbatim.
"Have you seen my baseball?"
I kid you not. The response he got back was fairly vulgar, and for the sake of keeping the language here at a reasonable level, basically said he would go to my friend's house and knock in his teeth with a baseball bat. Step 1, check.
There was a short back and forth, but the jist of it is that my friends are far superior to the average internet tough guy, and this particular chap is in the same boat as the rest of us. Stuck at step 1.
I've used the word "chap" twice now. Three times. I promise, it's not intentional.
Regardless, that is just one example. I can think of numerous other times when I have been personally threatened with violence by children on the internet. Kids as old as 60 have threatened to come to my home and enact a slew of violent activites, and I still haven't been able to find out what the second step is. Mind you, in my younger, more naive days, I actually encouraged this behavior and set a time and place for them to meet me (Something along the lines of "Meet me in the playground at 3 PM, let's rumble!"), and even with that foolhardy move of mine, I have NEVER been able to get someone to step 2. Usually the aggressor was a no show, and on the few occassions that they did arrive, I was terribly disappointed by the calibur of individual.
Mind you, these are people who are genuinely upset. On the internet. Often times about a game. Some so angry that they will go to a predetermined location in the hopes of finding some frail child to prove their masculinity to. I once sent a gentleman to Wrigley Field under the premise that it was my home address.
So my question to the rest of the internet is.. Why? If no one can reach step 2, why make yourself look like a fool by entering step 1? "Oh, I'm gonna beat the tar out of you!"... Really? REALLY? How? Please enlighten me as to just what it is you intend to do. Fly cross country to beat up some kid who called you a nancy boy on Xbox Live? Good job there, Captain Commando. You just bought a plane ticket to visit someone who probably gave you false information. Step 3 has just become loss. Or perhaps you're going to try and get this child to live in fear and terror. So now step 3 is zero. Perhaps extortion? "Send me all your money or I'll beat the tar out of you, for serious!".. Well, that either leads to zero when they do nothing... Profit, I guess, if they submit, which is highly unlikely... Or loss, since it is technically a crime to threaten someone or extort money from them via the internet, and you just gave them a method to report you to the authorities.
I promise, if I ever find out what the proper Step 2 is... I'll tell everyone here how fabulously rich I've become.
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