Step 1...

The internet can be a scary place, but once you realize that it's... well... the internet... suddenly that fear can turn into endless hours of amusement.

From what I can understand, the "tough guy" formula to the internet and success is as follows.

Step 1: Threaten people on the internet with real world violence.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit.

Now, if only I could figure out step 2, I'm certain I could make a fortune off this practice. Take last night for example, whilst I was partaking of some Halo 3 with a few friends.

One of my friends was explaining to the rest of us that a gentleman from the Netherlands or Botswana or something was sending her some rather unpleasant messages because she didn't drop everything in order to play with him and only him (Note to self: Rant on the self centered nature of the internet). Another of my associates then took it upon himself to message this young chap and enlighten him to the joys of being more laid back. The message that follows is what he said, verbatim.

"Have you seen my baseball?"

I kid you not. The response he got back was fairly vulgar, and for the sake of keeping the language here at a reasonable level, basically said he would go to my friend's house and knock in his teeth with a baseball bat. Step 1, check.

There was a short back and forth, but the jist of it is that my friends are far superior to the average internet tough guy, and this particular chap is in the same boat as the rest of us. Stuck at step 1.

I've used the word "chap" twice now. Three times. I promise, it's not intentional.

Regardless, that is just one example. I can think of numerous other times when I have been personally threatened with violence by children on the internet. Kids as old as 60 have threatened to come to my home and enact a slew of violent activites, and I still haven't been able to find out what the second step is. Mind you, in my younger, more naive days, I actually encouraged this behavior and set a time and place for them to meet me (Something along the lines of "Meet me in the playground at 3 PM, let's rumble!"), and even with that foolhardy move of mine, I have NEVER been able to get someone to step 2. Usually the aggressor was a no show, and on the few occassions that they did arrive, I was terribly disappointed by the calibur of individual.

Mind you, these are people who are genuinely upset. On the internet. Often times about a game. Some so angry that they will go to a predetermined location in the hopes of finding some frail child to prove their masculinity to. I once sent a gentleman to Wrigley Field under the premise that it was my home address.

So my question to the rest of the internet is.. Why? If no one can reach step 2, why make yourself look like a fool by entering step 1? "Oh, I'm gonna beat the tar out of you!"... Really? REALLY? How? Please enlighten me as to just what it is you intend to do. Fly cross country to beat up some kid who called you a nancy boy on Xbox Live? Good job there, Captain Commando. You just bought a plane ticket to visit someone who probably gave you false information. Step 3 has just become loss. Or perhaps you're going to try and get this child to live in fear and terror. So now step 3 is zero. Perhaps extortion? "Send me all your money or I'll beat the tar out of you, for serious!".. Well, that either leads to zero when they do nothing... Profit, I guess, if they submit, which is highly unlikely... Or loss, since it is technically a crime to threaten someone or extort money from them via the internet, and you just gave them a method to report you to the authorities.

I promise, if I ever find out what the proper Step 2 is... I'll tell everyone here how fabulously rich I've become.